wiiwaggler

*Disclaimer*

Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one. This is my opinion on whatever the title is, or it is a “perspective” I have. If you wish to tell me otherwise, share your perspective, or say something in retort to this on whatever medium your seeing this then go ahead but please note that it’s your word VS. Mine.

I don’t break I bend. I do not change unless you make a convincing argument, or I agree with you. I will stand as the person that I am at the specific incident of challenge no matter what.

You don’t change me; I change me because I want to.

In advance thank you for any and all time you spend here on this document and your feedback regardless of intention is appreciated for effort.

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?!

Hi: 3

No but seriously….

Waifu X Laifu problems



Ok but seriously just kind of an update but also a rant. So get ready.

Job: Non-existent and not in good prospects as of now
            School: pffff hahahahaha. Yeah I wish it was better.
            Life in general: Same old song and dance if you’ve read my other journals. If not then basically just imagine what a person who had every opportunity to make something good of themselves but failed at it and continues to fail at it with little to know support for his emotional state. It gets messy sometimes.

Love life: Well that’s probably why I’m writing this thing the most so……ye.


I’ve often hated a lot of mishaps in my life for my own stupidity or for the simple reason that I really wish they hadn’t failed so horribly. All things considering I’m lucky to still be here and not sickly or dying, but then again that can be a curse if you’re well like me and cursing parts of your existence.

To get anyone that isn’t familiar up to speed I’m not a particularly Good/Nice person, I’m just kind of not a bad/jerk type of guy. Most of my earlier entries can verify or present the problems I face, but many of them are not much different than the average person, it just feels worse in my case only because I have literally all the advice of Google and the internet to deal with it and very few (if any) friends to help guide me. Regardless of my life as far as finances and purpose goes I can handle that. But today I’m more pissed off and FURIOUSLY LIVID about my Love life.


            I’ve loved, and I’ve had intercourse once. So to my credit at the very least I will not “Die a virgin” as I once believed when I was younger and that sets me apart from other people in my caliber of Person. ((Side Note: I’m a bit of a gamer/ otaku (anime fan) in my life and I’m isolated (See other journals for details)))

But that’s kind of the problem.

Much like a shark to blood, I’ve gotten my taste and let me tell you I CRAVE more. I look at pretty girls a lot I’ve seen them in public, at the mall, at school, and I have plenty of ideas of what I want as far as ((Censored)) goes. ((See: Journal “Final Verdict Women” to know of my tastes)). Unfortunately my only stimulation is in the form of my Anime girls and my newfound Waifu “Darkness” from “Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku wo!” as well as any and all images of ((Explicit content)) from the internet I’ve accrued.

The problem should be apparent that “I’m alone, and I’m not enjoying it when I think about love”.

I don’t mind being alone, as I often feel and have felt most of my life and I can often cope with it fairly well and sometimes I feel as if I thrive in it. But when the thoughts of all the Sex and even genuine feelings of love and affection (in that order) that I’m missing out on pisses me off so much that I cry internally (and sometimes Externally). Hell before writing this journal I decided to go around my school and punch a few walls to make my hands hurt (not enough that I can’t type so I didn’t break anything) just so I could feel some external pain and stop making myself angry on the inside for all the girls I was seeing but can do nothing about.

I need a “Love doctor” like yesterday but I don’t know of anyone named or similar to “Hitch (Will Smith)”

Jeez it hurts to think about this, it hurts more to have to feel like I can’t do anything about it. I know some people will list off a few things that I’ve already thought about and debunked including but not limited to:

    1.      Online dating

    2.      “Going to functions (clubs, bars, parties etc.)

    3.      Learning to use “Pickup lines” or just general starting conversations

    4.      Asking friends for advice if they know any girls

    5.      Flirting

    6.      Not being a spineless loser.

So in order:

    1)  A quote from “final Verdict on women” that explains my distrust/paranoia of Online dating:
“If there was a way to find someone of my dreams (outside of online dating cause that just feeds my paranoia and I HIGHLY distrust dating websites no matter if there have been good results) I sure wish someone would comment it on here.”  

I really distrust the idea of “putting personal information on the internet” at least from the standpoint that I become a Target in the online dating arena and would most likely be scammed or “Cat fished”. My other fear as that even if I find someone who is “nice” in terms of personality that they will in fact be a fat/ obese person that doesn’t look good. Call me vain if you will but I know that looks play a factor in a relationship and while I was taught/remember the lesson of “looks should not be a deal breaker and not be a defining factor of True love I am just being realistic in the fact that I cannot be with an ugly person. I’m sorry, my last relationship (only relationship) was a First time screw up as she wasn’t really pretty (not hideous either) and I have to rise above that first time failure.

((Side note: Everybody gets at least one f**** up in their lives so forgive me if this still sounds a bit hypocritical) (btw if it does a don’t give a f****))

    2)  I don’t go to “functions” or anything of the like cause I’m not a very outgoing person. And it would be really rare for anyone to invite me because in the course of my time I’ve been alive no one has liked me enough to invite me to such things. Most parties I’ve gone to has been because of my parents or relatives, no one else.

    3)  I hate pickup lines, it’s so “cheezy” and not like me that I could never bring myself to be like “Hey baby did it hurt when you fell? (Fell from where?) From heaven cause you are an angel”. **Shudders** I feel like scum just even typing that here.

    4)  Most of the “Friends” (Not sure if they still are at this current time) don’t know girls. They are collectively Loners/Losers like me but they seem to be able to handle it better than I do.

    5)  I’ve been told I’m Oblivious when a girl is flirting with me. What’s worse is I actually have a hard time believing they do because I’m just so gosh darn unattractive. I don’t know if the people who have said this to me (friends and a few family members) are just lying to make me feel better or if I am really that oblivious. And in another perspective why is it that we “Flirt”? I mean I won’t go into the whole tangent of how counterintuitive flirting is as a method of picking up potential partners but I can’t think of how it’s even done much less tell when its being done. My only idea of flirting is either the overzealous type of “Hey there you seem to doing (x task) very well” with a lot of obvious body language queues (I have no idea what those look like) or The kind of flirting in which she accidentally bumps into you and is like “Watch where you’re going “B-b-b-bAka!!” ((God I watched too much Tsundere anime girls x__x)) Honestly no one Pays attention to me, I’m usually unnoticed. I even got proof of that today since I was punching things and no one bothered to even be scared or acknowledge what I was doing was weird. ((**Authors note: Yes I could try harder and make actual “Scenes” or cause huge disturbances, but I’m trying not to get thrown immediately in jail or the Looney bin (insane asylum) in one shot jeez.**))

    6)  I can’t help being a bit of a spineless loser. It’s why I turn to anime and ((explicit content)) in the first place. Because I’m just genuinely afraid of either getting out in the “Dating Arena” and getting rejected, or because I know I’m really not a good enough person with all my personal traits and current standings in life to be noticed by any potential partners. Even if I was noticed they would simply laugh off any affection I have as I’m not a “person” in terms of being normal and a functioning member of society by conventional standards.  IN short my chances are slim at best even if I decided to try my luck.

To close here’s a quote from my earlier journal that applies here again.

“Perhaps I’ll just have to eat the pain in my heart, knowing that at the very least all I have to worry about are my problems and not someone else’s too. And perhaps I save money by not always trying to have a significant other pleased with my gifts and showering of affection.

But it would be nice……”

IN CONCLUSION

Same ending as the aforementioned journal and pretty much same spot, just sad and lonely. I don’t know if I’ll ever cure this affliction but again maybe that’s for the best.



And so I go back to being alone. Stay safe readers and don’t do the things I do. If I serve as a learning tool for anyone I’ll be happy I spent time to write this.

Arrivederci
((“Goodbye”))

*Disclaimer*

Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one. This is my opinion on whatever the title is, or it is a “perspective” I have. If you wish to tell me otherwise, share your perspective, or say something in retort to this on whatever medium your seeing this then go ahead but please note that it’s your word VS. Mine.

I don’t break I bend. I do not change unless you make a convincing argument, or I agree with you. I will stand as the person that I am at the specific incident of challenge no matter what.

You don’t change me; I change me because I want to.

In advance thank you for any and all time you spend here on this document and your feedback regardless of intention is appreciated for effort.

“What’s on your mind?” A better question would be “Why is that on your mind?”

Seriously though…. I don’t even know anymore. So much, yet it all means so little in the grand scheme of things, and a lot of it is just illogical thinking and assumptions. Yet those same assumptions and thoughts have roots in logic and even the illogical thoughts based on empirical evidence mean so much more than the logical ones, because they are so abrupt and apparent.

Perhaps just saying every thought that I’ve had reoccur for so long would be the best strategy to dealing with them….so I’m going to put all if it on the line for today. May not be everything I’ve experienced or thought about for the past 6-7 years or even the sure fire thoughts of the future (cause believe me some of these have persisted those 6-7 years) but hey, can’t hurt to lay it all out at this point.

Or can it? Please take your time to read these (assuming anyone’s here to read this at all) as these thoughts though vague are rooted in the real life struggles I’ve endured, as well as some of the pleasures. None of these thoughts should be taken as my final verdict as pretty much these are thoughts that constantly come up in the form and fashion I describe them as. They are subject to change and I really wish I could have more “friends” (more on that subject as well later) to actually help me sort these out because many of them are not able to be sorted by just one person. And believe me when I say it’s not for a lack of trying but rather a lack of knowledge and Character.

Family.

Family is this weird thing your born into without choice and with the consequence of having to learn that as you grow, you may grow apart, closer, or just find out some revelations of things that you thought to be true and turned out not to be. For me that was learning what really went on behind closed doors, what secrets that held me back and my family as a whole back. I learned who really cared, who pretended and what went on when I couldn’t see it in front of my face. Spoiler alert: It would f^*&*$ me over later in life.

Ideally family should be a support system of parents, Grandparents, cousins, aunts &uncles etc. That can be there for one another. At the very least at be able to give advice to those young ones how to better their lives, and what to do with their mistakes and how to learn from them. I didn’t have that, and what I do have is practically worthless. Even the one “Good” family member (my Grandmother) is hard on me for “not being an adult” and not having things that I should have learned from my actual parents down pat. Sure I should “Want” to learn how to be a self-sufficient adult but that’s just it.

 I lost the “Want” a long time ago. And getting it back is proving…. Difficult.

Funny thing about that as well because of that lack of want she takes it as “laziness” and perhaps to a point she may be correct, hell she’d be pissed knowing I’m writing this instead of doing something she would consider more productive. So much for her “caring”.

I think though lack of want is going to be part of this journal I write. A lack of “Want” out of life and “uncertainty” due to the fears I’ve let get in my way certainly seems to fit together all these thoughts of mine. Trust me when I say that uncertainty and the little fears I have built up are more pervasive than say an actual threat on my life would be (like Bankruptcy or someone trying to kill me). Personally it sucks. But back to the rant.

Friendship

Friendship is a weird thing to me. Perhaps a thought that occurs most often in my life is the question “Am I a good friend”. Of course I answer with “No” because honestly, based on what I’ve done in life I can’t say I’ve given much of myself. I have given things to people when I had no use for them, I have given to those less fortunate (i.e. money to homeless people (most perhaps like $5 USD) or small trinkets to those who could use them for financial gain) and things of that nature, I have also spent time with those that shared similar interests and would chat about similar ideas and sometimes different ideas. I have had nice conversations and experiences with many people.

But that’s where it ends.

I haven’t given my time to many when I could have, and often times I really can’t. Work/School and just a lot of time I spend on “Me” (+ sleep hours) have taken up most of my time these days, and even before I got to where I am in life now I can’t say I spent a lot of time with those that should have been my friends. I also have not given a lot to many of the people I would have wanted to be friends for lack of having any money or possessions to spare in the quantity that they would need (i.e. Friend needs $50+ for something important) and this even includes times that they have said they would pay me back. I haven’t risked that, and as far as risking things go I sure as heck haven’t risked letting go of time and effort to give to my so called “friends” in many endeavors for fear of being in trouble with my family or perhaps (more often) not trusting that what my friends needed help with wouldn’t lead to trouble. I am very afraid of putting my name on the line or anything to get me in deep water with the law, and although I know a “real” friend as its defined would never ask me to do something of that nature (I know I wouldn’t ask anyone that (at this current time or foreseeable future)) There is something noble in knowing a friend is willing to risk their own lives for the sake of your cause or endeavor.

But I can’t say I’ve risked much or done much.

And for that I really can’t say I’ve been a friend to anyone. The amount of nothing I’ve done makes me feel as though I have nothing but acquaintances and no “true” friends to really rely on. However even worse than the feeling of abandoning so many people, is the fact that a lot of time in my life these choices I didn’t make because I didn’t have the strength to carry them out, or face the consequences. Even worse is that friends are supposed to be able to rely on each other but part of me says that “well I would never ask for help of a friend as to not burden them” and thus that further prevents me from putting myself out there because I know I wouldn’t reciprocate or maybe couldn’t reciprocate help in any form.

Proofreading this makes what I’m saying confusing but overall this is how It goes in my head. I don’t want to burden with my problems, yet I know I should ask for help but then I don’t want to “owe” favors to anyone because I almost know I can’t keep a promise like that, I have had a lot of volatile moments that set up the fact that I couldn’t give my time and energy to friends and I know I’ve been selfish with spending my time alone as the “Loner” I tend to be.

But part of that “Loner” mentality comes from a different place then you might think.

Heroism

It’s unrealistic to wish you were superman, hulk, batman, thor, any of the many Characters that have helped inspire people. In some circumstances its even unrealistic to wish to be like real hero’s such as Firefighters, Policemen &Women, Army men & Women. Although the latter is more possible than the former it all stems from the same place; You wanting to be a “Hero”. But then that begs the question, a Hero for fame? A Hero because you just want to help people? Or just doing it cause it’s the right thing and not caring about a title? Big questions to ask, even bigger answers to them because it all comes from within one’s “Soul” (although I’m not one to believe in “souls” as a real thing I’m using that for the simple understanding of the “will” of being a sentient person with a moral compass). I have always wanted to get a piece of that Hero’s lifestyle, or at the very least be able to do some heroic acts.

But wanting to do something is only half the battle, because logic and one’s position in life tells otherwise. We live in a world that only while true heroism is still the Exemplified example all of us should strive for, fact is it doesn’t pay well: P. A true hero does not do heroic acts for profit, and any hero that does is not truly deserving of the title. I can’t do neither because I don’t like risking my life. While I shit on my life and even thought of suicide at one point in my life (see other journals) I still know that at the end of the day this life is all I have, and I hoard my life at times because it’s all I got. So that puts me in the position of wanting to do heroic things but holding back because I know the risk that accompanies it. Hell even before knowing what risks there are I was told by my Family (probably the only good advice) “Don’t die a hero”. Those words resonated with me over the course of my life and at times I’ve hated it and other times I realize that its right, after all with how many “Hero’s” there are in both the real and fictional worlds, it’s not like what you do would matter in the long running time of the world. And to be fair, someone can just come along later and just take your spotlight and you will be nothing more than a blip in histories records. Heck with the way the News media is in this day and age from the 2010’s onward it seems like being the villain and a criminal gets you more recognition and historical importance.

Societies perceptions and the inner workings of the Heroic complex aside one thing I know for sure is that if I’m going to throw my life away it would be in a “Heroic” way, but I know that for the moment I don’t want to die a Hero as I don’t see anything worth throwing my life away for. Or anyone for that matter.

Perhaps that leans heavily into the next thought.

Relationships

I probably never could throw my life away heroically, because I can’t even risk it in a Relationship. If you refer to my journal on “Final Verdict on Women” you may see how I’ve outlined “standards” and thoughts as far as how I may never get a Girlfriend or wife based on how high my expectations have been set and what perceptions, I have about been in such a relationship. Along with that as I said before I don’t like risking things for friends even such as time and effort or money and all those things are heavily influential in the success of a Loving relationship.

I don’t have much else to say other than just halfheartedly connecting the dots here about other topics I’ve discussed just know that a pathetic person like me probably has less than %8 chance of getting a good relationship going, and my thoughts are constantly reoccurring on the circumstances and reasons behind it. Boy do I torture myself with these thoughts, I’ve almost come to enjoy just constantly asking “What if” on all the reasons and things in my life to see how I could have gotten a relationship and at least had some semblance of thinking things would be okay in life.

For the Record I did have one Girlfriend whom I managed to engage in coitus but that entire relationship hinged on the fact that she was older and immature and just wanted to settle down with someone because she was tired of being single. I don’t have anything too much against older women than me but I know that if the age difference is too great it makes for a lot of problems and in my case it did as well as other appearance factors and money issues. (I won’t go into much detail as it’s not worth it here though if you care to find out you can ask me personally by messaging me on here or other social media sites I use)

So at the very least I won’t die a virgin, but I’m almost guaranteed to die a very very “Thirsty” man.

But such is the cost of things…. Which by the way is going up too damn high! NEXT THOUGHT!

Cost of Life

What is a life really?  A collection of experiences and joys and pains and losses and gains. Little bit of this and that, all while wearing funny hats. Believing your special and that you deserve happiness, or as most of the human race has done for centuries believing that God or some higher being named otherwise gave to you a chance for happiness.

What a load of horse shit. Life is to suffer, life is about experiencing enough pain to eventually learn how to stop getting hurt and if you learn quickly or fast enough you can conquer others. This is not to say you have to go on bloody conquests but it does mean that you have to attain dominance in the area of your work and life and show that you will not be pushed around that you have power enough to make your life good. Of course this can be complicated based on Race, ethnicity, social standing, government interference, war, Famine, weather, and just about any other factor that you cannot prevent or control.

So with knowledge that life works in this Random manner what have we all done? We made Gold valuable and then later on used that same gold to print money and say if you want anything in life you got to have this little piece of paper or this gold. While other currencies types have been used these 2 are the most common, and as they say “Money is the root of all evil”. People have killed, stolen, conquest, and generally done unsavory things to attain money and even entire civilizations have been built because it was profitable to do so. Money can build skyscrapers, push inventions and technology to the limits, provide for people food and shelter, tear down the fabric of society, and make people fight each other for something so fragile as the idea that this piece of paper has “Value” because we attribute value to it.

The juxtaposition of good and bad with money is uneven in that it leans heavily towards evil acts, or selfish acts. Acts of trying to attain and preserve money for whomever holds the most and this leads to greed. I don’t think most of the world’s problems could be solved by eradicating money (I’m not a friggin communist) but the way that capitalism is going to this almost “cannibalizing” tendency of each other and not valuing some people if they themselves don’t have “Value” in their bank accounts is certainly a driving force in the downfalls of society. I don’t think we can function without money but at the same time functioning with it is a delicate balancing act that at some point within this past century we forgot how to keep balanced.

As I said I don’t have much money or time and I don’t have skills to attain a lot of money or the ability to con my way up the financial latter. (other journals can confirm) I also have been selfish with it as a result of being poor which also leads into me not “risking” anything for friends or family and relationships because I can’t afford to. Or sometimes I can but I think I shouldn’t so it would be better.

All in all, a huge cluserF%^&&$ of emotions and possible outcomes, a lot of which are just spinning in my head all day. Cost of life is more than we say it is in $$ dollars and it certainly only keeps going up and up.

Worth

By all these thoughts combined it puts together my Perception. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it here “Perception is your reality” “Reality is your perception and how Skewed it is to everyone else”. Perhaps I’m paraphrasing someone else who quoted this but still, it’s true and as a result I see very little “Want” to do much with this life. This thought of not “wanting” anything because of all the hardship and work that would go into things is what can strip me of doing things that could have shaped my life better, or worse too. I lack a lot in this life and I wish that experiences weren’t one of them, but I am just walking a fine line between sane and insane choices, always wondering if the next turn I take will screw me over or help me, always wondering if anything I thought as a kid was true and wondering if that entire “childhood” (if you could call it that) wasn’t just some fettered dream, an off brand fairy tale. Perhaps overall that’s why things like this pop into my head at times I wish they didn’t and it just makes it worse the more I take into account all the previous thoughts I’ve described.

So Here’s a collection of those thoughts that have/can/possibly will pop into my head:

 Are there any dreams worth chasing? can I have any of those? Do I have to work super hard? Can I work super hard? Why should I work super hard? Why should I risk it? Is there anyone that will love me? Are there people deserving of my love? Can I escape? Is there an escape? Is life just a prison? Does it have to be a prison? Are we the captors? Why can’t we make this place more fun? Are we Human or are we Dancer? What even is “human”? Is it “humane”?  Are we the Monsters? Why are we the monsters? Aren’t we supposed to be the good guys? Should we try to fix this? Can we fix this? How can we fix this? Are we going to fix this? Are we all useless? Those that cannot change the world are useless. Is it wrong to be Useless? But people are useless all the time and they are allowed to exist. Is it okay to eat meat if they are also living beings? Why not though they are lower in the food chain as us? Do I have enough money for a hot dog? IS THER ANYBODY OUT THERE? Could I win the lotto and solve my problems that way? If I had that much money would I have the want to give it to others? What even is the point in writing this? But what if someone reads this? IS THERE SOMEONE WHO CAN SAVE ME? Do I Want TO BE SAVED? Can’t I save myself?  Do I have friends I would give it to? What even is the point of existing? Are we just here to suffer? Is suffering optional? Can the Dali lama fix my problems? Can the president fix my Problems? What was that song I liked and where can I download it? WHO THE FUCK IS KIM KARDASHIAN AND WHY SHOULD I CARE? Hollywood what are you doing STAHP!!?? Oh man I hope we can meme that! Fuck its cold, both here and in the world

Life really is a Meme. Can I be a meme lord? I want to go Play video games.

#I hope you get the point.

Conclusion

Time changes all things. Whether creating or destroying worlds, or perceptions time can change anything. How much is the only question?

To that I wish I had an answer how much time I have left in life and how much time it would take to fix some of these thoughts, and some of the real life struggles that come up from them.

But until I find an answer, I’m stuck just writing these things to maybe, just maybe, be a bad example someone can look on and say “I don’t want to be like this jackass”. And if I can be remembered in a way that helps someone else I guess that’s the best I can hope for the conclusion of what is my life.

Aaaaand that’s about all I got. See you next time.

(P.S. or not because honestly I don’t know if anyone spent all that time reading this hot mess of a Journal XD)

*Disclaimer*

Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one. This is my opinion on whatever the title is, or it is a “perspective” I have. If you wish to tell me otherwise, share your perspective, or say something in retort to this on whatever medium your seeing this then go ahead but please note that it’s your word VS. Mine.

I don’t break I bend. I do not change unless you make a convincing argument, or I agree with you. I will stand as the person that I am at the specific incident of challenge no matter what.

You don’t change me; I change me because I want to.

In advance thank you for any and all time you spend here on this document and your feedback regardless of intention is appreciated for effort.

Final Verdict (on Women)

A lot has happened in my life regarding my “Sex life” (or lack thereof).  I will say that I have at least gotten 1 experience out of this, and that is enough for me to say that (naturally) I love “makin love” but I am damn bad at anything prior or after that moment of ecstasy.

To explain I’ll, for the sake of brevity just list the things that make it hard –to- impossible for me to find another partner (outside the usual “hooker” option that I have serious disdain for doing (its highly deplorable in my eyes. (Even if it can be a valid option in desperate times)))

Keep in mind these are in no particular order and their severity is something you as the reader will have to assess as to how detrimental they really are and how bad it is that I have these traits.
Why you, you ask? Because I’m clearly too stupid or too f$#$% lazy to want to know what the order of bad these traits need to be in                     :-P

    1.    I hate people in General

I walk around in school and in life, with possibly an angry look on my face. It’s more of a “Its hot” or “I need to squint a little more to see cause the light (from the sun) is so bright” Look but honestly I can see in the faces of others that they really know what I mean on the inside. Generally, trust is not something I want to confide in people (for good reason some of my other journals may shed light on) and “Trust” as a thing itself is the very core of any relationship. Especially the romantic ones.

    2.    I have high standards

As someone who is fat and ugly (but not morbidly obese) I probably should lower my standard to one that I’ve thought about experimenting with in the past such as “if she’s not fatter than me I should maybe consider talking to her” but I later after much careful inquiry from my 1 and only relationship (that is over btw in case I never mentioned that (it ended badly, but not that bad that it left scars)) that I don’t like fat women. Sure you might be able to say to me that “fat” can mean a wide variety of body types and I shouldn’t “fat shame” on people but you know what that is coming from this “PC culture” of people that think everyone gets a fair shot at love.

Sure they do, but only if they sell their dignity as a person to obtain it, and don’t mind being ridiculed by the world for loving fat people that clearly should not be fat cause it is manageable.

Which leads into my next point

    3.    I’ve come to respect myself as a Man that will not “Settle/Compromise” just to get a relationship started.

Sorry ladies, this items off the menu. I will not open myself up to a relationship without knowing for sure that           

She’s very pretty (Beautiful even) by today’s standards

She has a high intellect and capacity to talk with some idea of brains that she can either share her experiences with me or I can share mine with her and she not just nod and blow me off

She has some goal in life, not necessarily to be “successful” or High earning in life, but simply that she is willing to spend her time doing something and she’s not going to turn into a GF/wife that just drinks all day at the house and spends MY money. Bitch better get out to work if she wants to live “high on the hog” cause while I’ll provide a lot I do not expect to provide for what I would consider “Stupid” expenses on things that are showboating for no actual gain or status.

Those things are things I’ve seen destroy many a relationship with other men, so she had best understand her position with me. It may sound old school “male patriarchy” type listing but I’ll be dammed if I’m going to put up with that kind of drama that gets started for nothing.

Also on that point I promise to have a job and be making a good amount of money to ensure that I can live up to my part as “The one who wears the pants” in the Relationship.

    4.    My life is in Shambles

I still don’t live alone; I am an old man that has not yet gone on to be his own person. Job wise I cannot find something that will cover enough of my bills (Rent, Utilities & food) and as such I am forced to live with my Grandmother. Also it should be noted from most of my other journals how I have had a “Strained” relationship with her, and as such it only gets worse and worse as time goes on. I fear that one day I will live on my own (because she will kick me out) but since I cannot maintain enough money to be in an Apartment, or to put down for a house I will most likely be a bum (again). This of course is assuming that I do not make it out of my Current college status where I have only a few more semesters to finish in my Computer Science Degree. If I can do that then this point will become mute(mostly) as I “should” be able to get a job with high enough pay that I won’t have to worry about being a Broken man.

But assuming point 4 goes well this brings about point 5

    5.    I don’t want to be “Gold Diggered” (Or taken)

As I said in point 3 I want a girl that is both pretty and has ambition to do something, but at the same time I hope that that something is not to “Use me” for what she thinks she’s “Worth”. I understand that my standards are leading me to find women that are “High maintenance”, both upfront and possibly long term, but I would hope that this maintenance would be to further strengthen how much she “loves” / Respects the relationship we have built at that point thus preventing her from using me or cheating on me. I suppose there are a lot of assumptions made here about the Loyalty of any Woman in the world but I’m guessing that this should produce the best outcome, though I could be wrong. Maybe being taken is just a thing I’d have to worry about forever with Romantic interests.

Point 6 is a bit of a weird one because I know I want it but not in the capacity it may get misjudged for

    6.    I will not accept any PC stuff

As most of you that know of “PC Culture” know the vast majority of it is all the B.S. with identity and “Gender” and all the Dumb things that are so minor of stuff yet are being blown up to be these “Racist/Sexist” callings to a system that has drudged on minorities of ethnic groups and sexes. However, I do not want my future GF/wife to EVER mention these things or even worse try to Indoctrinate our Children into it. I want a household that will Simply practice the rule of “Treat others as you would like to be treated” and the other moral of “Don’t judge someone just based on how they look” and that’s it. Nothing more complex than that.

Finally, I think the final nail in the coffin is one that is the biggest point, but I only mention it at the end because this is the least important to state in my mind as its technically the easiest to fix (if needed)

    7.    I don’t know how to “Hit” or “Flirt” or initiate conversations with romantic intent.

“Seriously?” you must be thinking. Yes, I don’t know about Pickup lines, or how to mention to a woman that she’s pretty or saying anything romantic without feeling stupid awkward about it (more than the normal rate of awkward) or the feeling that I might get called out on Sexual Harassment or something equally as damming. I MEAN shit man, how am I supposed to use things like “Hey baby did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” or some stupid stuff like that, I always thought that was just dumb. Even worse it feels like sometimes it’s not even about whether you can talk flirtingly its more of if they even notice you in the first place.

I am what you would call a “ninja” of real life, at least in the sense that if anyone does notice me they certainly act as if I am not there. I can’t tell you how many times even people that I know as acquaintances or associates that I talk with more than a few times have not noticed me when I’ve been next to them in public. Sometimes I chalk that up to just them not being observant, but then I realize I am not an “Outstanding” looking guy, in any sense of the word (good looking or standing out like a sore pink thumb type)

For that skill I do like the ability to move about the world “undetected” but I guess that anonymity is what’s killing my chances of ever being noticed by a girl. Also if you refer to my journal entry on a night I went roller skating (www.deviantart.com/wiiwaggler/…) I tried my best to get along with people (girls especially) and got nowhere. I know not what I did wrong (or Right for that matter) but it seems as if I’m cursed to always be a “nobody” in the eyes of the general populace.

Don’t really know what to do about that though, as I said it has some Pro’s despite the cons.

A Minor point to add also is that due to my reclusive and introverted nature I do not know when someone is truly complementing me, I often feel they are insincere or are up to something. I can never shake this paranoia and it sucks, but its something I can possibly get over if I have proof to the contrary of my conspiracies.

So there it is. I guess it’s just “Waifu’s” and alone time in the basement with tissue paper for the rest of my life. I guess I have to get used to that. I want the record to state that turning to “Porn” was not my first choice, but it certainly is my only option at this point and possibly all I expect for my future. I would go into detail about how the Pro’s and Con’s of Porn watching outweigh all this dating B.S. but that’s more on the rise of the industry as a whole and then the new technology of “Dating robots” as an entirely separate and unrelated topic to this Journal entry (though it can be affecting these problems I don’t see it actually being anything of note at this time).

If there was a way to find someone of my dreams (outside of online dating cause that just feeds my paranoia and I HIGHLY distrust dating websites no matter if there have been good results) I sure wish someone would comment it on here.

Or just keep it to yourself its fine. Not like I need help.

Damn sometimes I wish “Hitch” that character that Will Smith Played in the movie “Hitch” was real, maybe he could help me.

Perhaps I’ll just have to eat the pain in my heart, knowing that at the very least all I have to worry about are my problems and not someone else’s too. And perhaps I save money by not always trying to have a significant other pleased with my gifts and showering of affection.

But it would be nice……

And so I go back to being alone. Stay safe readers and Don’t do the things I do. If I serve as a learning tool for anyone I’ll be happy I spent time to write this.

Stay Fresh

Peace.

This speech is written the day that I went to the Event at school which was on the night of September 19^th. I don’t expect this to serve much good since I’ve calmed down since then, but I am leaving this up here on the site as a means to just exploring the raw emotion that I felt that night. (*Note I have no disclaimer here as this is not a usual Journal for me, this is more of “study” if you will in the things I can only capture by writing them down. Unlike a journal entry I’m not analyzing anything in this piece this is just my feelings on paper for the night in question).

Feeling empty

So I did a thing at school where we had a roller rink type event with skating in a roller rink. I enjoyed it as I hadn’t skated since I was like 14 years old (and I sucked at it). I at least kept my balance and everting, chatted with some people there while in the floor about how we were novice skaters and had a few laughs. Got winded and tired as hell afterwards (skating is a workout).

But the I left after an hour of the event.... and after I got to my car, tired.... I just cried. I went alone, I had literally no friends go with me, and though the people I met there while nice.... were just that, some people. Then I realized this is why I don’t like partying, this is why I don’t go out more. I’m always alone. I have no one to share these experiences with. And telling people over the internet about it doesn’t feel as fulfilling (even if they are people I’ve known in real life) What is this!? What is this horrible feeling of empty happiness, why does it hurt? I don’t know why I can’t stop feeling sad. Hell am only calm about it now because I started Chugging down a 24 OZ Beer. Why am I so alone? Why can’t I stop this feeling?

Is this my punishment for being an asshole most of my life? My price for anonymity? I wish I could at least verify the answer maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad. I need counseling.... or something. None of this makes any goddamn sense.