So....its been at least a year and 1/2 since I last did one of these. Boy, time sure does fly. But in any case.
Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one. This is my opinion on whatever the title is or it is a “perspective” I have. If you wish to tell me otherwise, share your perspective, or say something in retort to this on whatever medium your seeing this then go ahead but please note that it’s your word VS. Mine.
I don’t break I bend. I do not change unless you make a convincing argument or I agree with you. I will stand as the person that I am at the specific incident of challenge no matter what.
You don’t change me; I change me because I want to.
In advance thank you for any and all time you spend here on this document and your feedback regardless of intention is appreciated for effort.
Whats been going on with me? Well to start I guess i'd say my life finally changed. To quickly recap.
- Lived with Grandmother at the time of last journal entry.
- Things between us only worsened either A) My behavior and preferences or (more likely) B) Her behavior/Preferences for me and how I should be despite Who i already was.
- The rift between us grew wider and wider, i hated her a little, and im sure she (even to this day) hates my guts and who i am.
- 3 days before Christmas in 2014, i left, never looking back.
- I became Homeless.
- For the next 4 months i would make my way to the city i fell in love with the first time i went (Austin, TX) and live there again.
- I saw an old friend who was finishing college, i made as much peace with him that i could, though i know I've lost his friendship as of now, and permanently this time.
- After 4 months, decide to go back to my Hometown (cannot say for security purposes) and celebrate (as well as apologize) With my Girlfriend on her birthday.
- After that currently living in said hometown trying to fix myself by taking advantage of the hiring opportunites here.
A lot to take in eh? Yeah, well its not been a cakewalk for me either . During this time of me not having a place to "Lay my head in peace" I am basically on edge, a edge of fear, of distrust, of not knowing what life will throw at me next. Hell
Just this last week I have fallen off my Bicycle and possibly have a concussion. My face looks like a train wreck and that may effect my Job seeking abilities (and the jobs im currently trying to get). I still needing cash for neccesities (Like food and such, a home etc. but not getting that anytime soon). Only able to communicate on the net thanks to public librarys
and until i get maybe a small laptop i can't be the "Internet faggot" I used to be shitposting all day (which thanks to free Wi-Fi i could do ). Overall this last week has been one of the more bad ones I've had to endure.
Still, even after all this im still able to smile. Why? Because in all these hardships I've gained something, something that i think People can spend their whole lives trying to figure out.
I have been free all this time, free to do as I am able to do, no one tells me what to do except me and my brain. I can choose for myself how to live. At just the young age of my early 20's i can see the world clearly, and see why people do what they do and for what end result, and how petty or righteous it can be perceived. I have come to peace with being able to "expire" at any point, and how i know that even though there are still those i can hurt with my passing, at least they won't feel like they "failed" me or that there was more for them to have done.
I put myself here, mostly to prevent me from doing something drastic in my other situation, but I know that i wanted this. The hardships could be a bit easier, but then again I don't regret them being as hard, cause when I have Risen to the challenge and succeeded I have felt that much more like i am worth something. Despite me not being a member of "Society" like some of you (though i never really felt that connection) i feel as though i am "more than human" at times with what I've been able to survive. And in addition, I have succumbed to the belief that God (or some being) has got my back in what im doing, cause otherwise I shouldn't even be alive to post this now.
Its always nice to feel like "Heaven" is on your side .
And then Apparently "Gay marriage" is now just "Marriage" cause its legal to do here in the U.S. What Canada has been doing for 10 years. Way to go guys! KUDOS!!
Well, If i could predict the future period, i might have had a different out come on things totally. All i know for Certain is that the next month of July is going to be a "Make or break" month in that its going to be a month in which i need to get as much of my problems solved as i can and fix as much of my life as I can. I think I still have a few reserve options on top of my Plan A to utilize. So I am confident things will work themselves out.
That's all for now, All i wish to leave for you all (and to those that TL;DR ed )
Life is nothing more than being able to perceive, to see things from YOUR own personal perspective. And as i will always say
"Perception is your reality
Reality is how f**** your perception is to everyone else's
The question is who, do you choose to believe?"
Who you choose can make all the difference in your "Life experience".
Till next time. Ciao.