Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one. This is my opinion on whatever the title is or it is a “perspective” I have. If you wish to tell me otherwise, share your perspective, or say something in retort to this on whatever medium your seeing this then go ahead but please note that it’s your word VS. Mine.
I don’t break I bend. I do not change unless you make a convincing argument or I agree with you. I will stand as the person that I am at the specific incident of challenge no matter what.
You don’t change me; I change me because I want to.
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So I’ve finally come to a conclusion about what’s wrong with what I’ve got for a life. I’ve been happiest when I’ve had the ability to know that what I have in my life and the people that I have in my life are a direct result of the choice to make them a part of it. I don’t have that freedom anymore, I’ve lost that since I’m not able to live on my own and always forced to live with a relative of some sort. Then that’s when all the hell in my life comes because I don’t want to have to conform to what “they” say, and what they want me to be. The people I’ve been forced to live with always seem to want to change me into what they feel is going to be successful in life, or sometimes they want me not to be successful but something of just an animal or a pet: out of sight and out of mind except when needed.
We’ll I’m here to say today that I don’t want to be what they say. But please don’t misunderstand, It isn’t that I don’t want to change, or that I’m unwilling to be something different. What I want is the choice to be something different, for example if I were to join the military or become a solider I know that I choose whatever is to come from that, and I can at least live with my decision of becoming a tool of someone else’s will. But my problems have always stemmed, at least the last 2 years’ worth from always being forced into a situation and being “put up with” and feeling like I’m the lowest scum on the earth.
I know feelings like that really shouldn’t get to me because I should just shrug them off and stick to my values but how can i? These insults and these degradations whether by the actions of others or their words, always hit me in my heart. They sting because it comes from those that I thought I could trust, or was forced into believing I could. Yet these are always the people I’m forced to live or be in contact with. When it comes to friends even if they turn on me, yes it may hurt but at least I know that I can choose to ignore them, or choose to leave them. I can’t do that with the others because I am blood related.
So that’s it, my problem will always be the betrayal by blood. My sorrows will always be the unequal ground I stand upon and the shit I have to take from those that I wish could have been my greatest allies. All they manage to do is build me up and then tear me down. They will say that in their defense that they have “tried to make something of me” but what they fail to realize is that they are creating what “they” want, the kind of person they see as being something, and the means by which they go about it are justified. For me it’s never been a disagreement about “what” I should become, it’s always been the methods and then the insults to my character, my persona, who I am always being the force that they want to change. But only I can change me, ONLY I should be the one to decide who I am in the end.
It is for this reason that I am wishing for the good god (provided there is one) to call me home. He understands…he knows me, he made me who I am and he will not condemn me for my actions. He is my real father; he is someone I can believe in because he knows me better than I even know myself.
I want a home, a home to call my own, a home with the comforts that I’ve come to enjoy without fear or fear of persecution. But I feel like if I can’t have that on earth, if I am never going to succeed in living on my own with my own decisions and with the people I chose to live with….then I’d rather die. I’d rather not be alive if all I have to suffer is the constant indignation of my own person and the fear that I will be guided in a direction only to see that direction get me nothing but criticism and harsh words against me that I feel I do not deserve.
I just want a home again…I just want to feel at home
I just want to know that I truly am not worthless and that if I am worthless at least I will not be told that it is my entire fault and all my doing.
I never asked for this.